Learning to Apologize

Learn to apologize sincerely to help bring true reconciliation in your relationships; post from Day2DayJoys.com

Written by Kristen @ Smithspirations, Contributing Writer

Have you ever been hurt by someone and found the hurt worsened because you never received a sincere apology? I’ve been there, and it can be terribly painful. Sometimes what isn’t said after an emotional hurt can do more damage than the original offense.

While we can’t do anything to make other people in our lives learn how to apologize, we can make a commitment to be sincere in our own apologies. I certainly don’t want to leave those that I care about feeling more wounded when I’ve wronged them because I couldn’t humble myself to give a heartfelt apology.

Words to Avoid When Apologizing

Some words and phrases don’t really belong in a sincere apology. They may lessen the hurt of your friend, shift the blame, or justify your mistake.

  • “I’m sorry that you feel that way” doesn’t apologize for your mistake, but rather shifts the emphasis to your friend’s feelings. We don’t take responsibility for our mistakes when we use that phrase.
  • “I’m sorry, but…” The “but” is the problem. When we add a “but” in, we tend to shift the blame of the conflict on to the other person. Our friend may have a part in a conflict, but that can be best addressed after we’ve fully repented for our own wrongs.
  • “Well, I didn’t mean to” could be helpful in the overall apology, but if that is all that is said, it may not convince the one we hurt that we truly regret our mistake. I frequently have to teach my children that they still need to apologize when they do something on accident because someone was hurt. It’s the same for us adults!
  • “I don’t think you should feel that way.” Ouch. Just ouch. Hurts are real and we need to acknowledge them when we are at fault.
  • “I did this because…” We might want to say this to explain ourselves, but if we don’t first say we are sorry, it might just seem that we are justifying our words or actions without recognizing the hurt they caused.
  • “Maybe I shouldn’t have…” is only a halfway admission of a mistake and will probably only seem halfway sincere.

Words to Use in an Apology

Certain words and phrases can be extremely helpful in healing hurts that we have caused, whether intentionally or accidentally. Try some of these the next time you find you have wronged someone. I like to say as many of them as I can remember.

  • “I’m sorry that I…” Specific apologies let our friend or family member know that we understand what we did wrong and that we truly care that we hurt them.
  • “It was wrong for me to…” Admitting that we were wrong without reservations can be challenging and humbling, but it is so powerful! When someone admits to me that they were wrong, I find it almost impossible to not forgive them.
  • “Will you please forgive me?” Saying this shows that we understand our need to be forgiven. We also humble ourselves when we ask for forgiveness, and humility is a very attractive thing.
  • “How can I make this right?” Sometimes we need to make amends for our mistakes. If we forgot to do something we said we would, taking care of it the next day might be a good way to make it right.
  • “I’ll try not to make this mistake again.” As Christians, we show we are truly sorry for our sins against God by trying to not commit them again. Of course we fall short, but our heart is there. It’s the same when we hurt another person. Telling them that we don’t want to make the same mistake again shows a genuine sincerity.

Years ago I heard that Gary Chapman, the man who wrote The Five Love Languages (affiliate link), wrote a book called The Five Languages of Apology (affiliate link). At first I laughed to myself, wondering how long he’d ride the “five languages train”. Then I looked through the book and saw how much truth was in it. If you find it hard to apologize, his book might help you. His ideas helped me understand what makes up a sincere apology.

Do you find it hard to apologize? Have you been hurt before by an apology you never received? Is there something you need to hear when someone apologizes to you?

About Kristen

Kristen is a Christian, wife to her high school sweetheart, and mother to a growing brood of sweet little people. She spends her days keeping the home, homeschooling, making real food, gardening, blogging, and working from home as a Lilla Rose Consultant. You can find her at Smithspirations and on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

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  1. […] sharing some of the things I’ve learned at Day 2 Day Joys, and I hope you’ll join me there to read my thoughts. If you’ve experienced a sincere […]

  2. […] Learning to Apologize, daytodayjoys.com While we can’t do anything to make other people in our lives learn how to apologize, we can make a commitment to be sincere in our own apologies. I certainly don’t want to leave those that I care about feeling more wounded when I’ve wronged them because I couldn’t humble myself to give a heartfelt apology. […]