Written by Jenn, Contributing Writer
February 14 is quickly approaching and you know what that means! Hallmark commercials, pink and red hearts and potentially disgruntled women whose husbands fail to meet their high expectations for a romantic evening.
It doesn’t have to be that way! As wives, we have the potential to make this holiday perfectly wonderful by romancing our husbands! Maybe this sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. I’d like to share how I’m learning to change my attitude when I feel my husband neglects meeting my expectations and also some fun ideas for rekindling the fire with your spouse this Valentine’s Day.
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When you were first married, what sweet things did your husband do for you? Did he write you poems or cute notes, give you sweet compliments or surprise you with flowers? These things all happened at first in my marriage but at some point they began fading away. Was it my husband’s fault? It certainly was, so I thought. But maybe, just maybe, I had something to do with it too!
Let’s switch perspectives: How did you act around your husband as a newlywed? When Kirk and I were first married, I was thrilled to be in his presence and would always greet him with a warm smile and kiss. Because we were both in school and working, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible outside of those commitments and so we purposed to make the most of our days together. I was enthusiastic in my endeavor to “cozy up” our little apartment and make into a home. My mind was on how I could make our new life together enjoyable and fun. We made it fun because we were each other’s top priority and were committing to spending time together.
Life became more complex when our first child was born and my priorities subtly began shifting to being the best mom I could be. I began putting lots of time and energy into sleep schedules, making my own baby food and reading books to my son. I didn’t even realize that my husband was no longer being treated as the most important person in my life. This continued to happen as we brought two more children into the world.
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In Scripture, God calls us to “love one another earnestly from a pure heart” (1 Peter 1:22). To be earnest means to be:
- serious in intention or purpose
- zealous
- showing depth and sincerity of feeling
It eventually dawned on me that I absolutely loved my husband just as much as when we were first married but the way I demonstrated that love was no longer as earnest as before! There came a point when it was necessary for me to come to God and ask Him to help me to zealously express my deep feelings for my husband and put him back in his rightful place as the most important person in my life, just as I had in the “honeymoon” stage of our marriage.
As I began putting my husband back on the top of my priority list, I found to my surprise that all the things I’d nagged him to do for years (in the emotional department) began happening again! The sweet words, compliments and flowers returned. I was thrilled! And I began to understand that when I acted on my feelings for my husband, he was more responsive to my feelings. It wasn’t the nagging that made the difference in his actions; it was the change in my attitude.
Obviously, I still slip up in this area often and will continue to through the rest of my marriage. We can’t be perfect, but that’s okay! If we struggle in this area, God gives us the grace we need and slowly changes our hearts. We can depend on Him to gives us the creativity and joy we are looking for as we show love to our husbands.
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So in the spirit of these thoughts and of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to offer some simple suggestions that we wives can do as we play our part in the romance!
- Get up with your husband and chat with him in the morning before he leaves for work (if he’s normally up before you and you like to sleep in like me, this will be a good challenge!).
- Pack a lunch you know he likes and tuck a love note in his lunch container.
- Call him at work at an unexpected time and giggle as you sweet-talk him.
- Buy him his favorite candy bar (you know, the one you don’t want him to eat because it’s unhealthy)
- Praise your husband, both privately and publically. This is one thing that has such a huge impact both on our marriage and on my husband’s reputation with others.
- Sit by him on the couch at the end of the day with no computer in your lap and just be there for him (ahem, note to self!).
- Build up his confidence throughout the day by telling him things you love about him.
- Write him a love letter.
- Resist the urge to correct him when he’s with the kids and just let him be the fun dad!
- Flirt with him!
- Grab his hand when you’re out in public or just passing by him at home.
- Find the most romantic Valentine’s card you can (that suits you and your husband’s style) and give it to him on Valentine’s Day before a candlelight dinner (or dinner out if you can manage it). Write something intimate inside and enjoy his response to your flattery 😉
- Make Love Buckets
I hope these thoughts have been an encouragement to you. We really can have the best Valentine’s Day (and every day) possible by just a change in our thinking and a little extra effort. And we just might find that our own hopes and expectations for romance are met in the process!
How do you show your husband that you love him?
About Jenn
Love this post Jenn!! It’s a great one!
Thanks, Angela!
What a wonderful reminder!! I know I am often tired at the end of the night and it is easy to leave my husband sitting at the computer and just go to bed, but after 11 years I know that our marriage suffers when we don’t both put some effort into it. I have also noticed that over the years when my hormones are not balanced that my feelings towards my husband suffer. So it is important to love with actions to carry you through when feelings are less. I think that is why the Lord says to If you Love me, keep my commandments. True Biblical Love is an action. The feelings are just the icing on the cake. I wrote an article on my blog http://www.e-oils.blogspot.com about an oil that helped me balance those hormones and my husband would probably say that oil is his favorite.
Thanks for your thoughts! Yes, love can definitely be an action. Makes me think of the old DC Talk song “Love is a Verb” 🙂
These are great reminders! We can so easily fall into a rut and wonder what happened! A great marriage takes effort. So many people dedicate themselves to losing weight, working out, a career, children, homeschooling, even blogging…Imagine if we gave as much time, energy and devotion to our marriages! Love this post 🙂
You’re so right Amanda! I definitely put lots of heart and soul into so many things, and sometimes my marriage gets put on the back burner because I take it for granted. Thanks for your thoughts!
wonderful ideas!!!! just stopping by to say hello! Have a blessed day! Love, Traci
Thanks Traci, glad to see you here!
My husband and I have made it a point to ask each other often, “how am I doing? Am I showing love to you, or is there something I need to change?” We are always honest with each other about it, and that way neither of us is wondering or feeling bad about saying what we’re thinking! I also make all the effort I can to have the living room picked up and dinner at least almost ready when he walks in the door. It puts him at ease knowing “all is as it should be” when he comes home, and his job is so stressful that I know this speaks love to him! =)
It’s so good to be honest with each other from both sides! Thanks for sharing!
Jenn, this is such a sweet post! This reminds me of how our “romance” goes too and I know when I change my heart and love him without my agenda, it goes so much better… it is a pure love. God honors it and blesses it, for sure!
Thank you, Jenna! Yes, loving him without an agenda…such a good reminder!
Great ideas! I love this emphasis on romancing your husband for Vday instead of the other way around.
Thank you, so glad you enjoyed it!
Great reminder, Jenn! And wonderful suggestions! My husband and I don’t go out much, but last year we started making an effort each week to have an at-home date night once the kids were in bed: play a game together, create something together, enjoy dessert and conversation out on the paito…unfortunately, we’ve kind of gotten lazy with and our “date nights” have mostly become just watching a movie. Still fun and time spent together, but I miss the interaction that comes from getting away from the tv! Thanks for the inspiration to do more!
Nice to see you here, Cindy! We too have gotten lazy with our date nights lately…maybe because we’re so tired at the end of the day – ha ha! Creating something together sounds like such a fun way to connect–thanks for sharing!
Such a beautiful post Jen! You are right, it’s so easy to forget that our husbands are first priority (after God!) NOT the children…. and that we wives play such a vital role in making our marriages glorious!
Thank you Anna!
The list of ideas is appropriate for every “season” of marriage – I love that!
We forget that just holding hands with our Love adds something to the marriage… it doesn’t have to be grandiose. Eventually it’ll be just the two of you again – husband & wife. (and it happens more quickly than you anticipate!)
Thanks for all the great ideas!