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I had a miscarriage.
Or maybe I should say, I am having a miscarriage.
Something I definitely thought I’d never say again.
We thought we were done having kids. I was content. He was content. Our little family with 4 beautiful children.
Going through ups and downs as parents, failures, successes to thinking we’ve got it a little figured out to downright low again. And then do it all over again.
But we were content. Then one day, I felt off and my period was late, and I knew. So I grabbed a pregnancy text and waited, and yep, I was pregnant.
Suddenly, ALL the excitement and fear was all tangled up together at the same time.
From the moment I saw the positive test, my heart grew in love. I began thinking, planning, preparing. I had a feeling it was a girl. Later that week, I told my husband.
And even purchased an ornament about our surprise baby to give him.
I began having pregnancy symptoms over the next couple of weeks. Morning sickness and all. I thought this is going to be ok.
We’re going to have another baby! Baby #5! I was over the moon excited.
At 6 weeks, I went into an appointment to check on the baby. I saw a baby, heartbeating and all! Two weeks later, I went into my 8 appointment. My pregnancy symptoms had been wacky, there and then not, but I was hoping it was just different with baby #5. The appointment we’d check on the baby and be released into the care of my midwife.
So I laid on the table with the ultrasound tech. Sweet as can be lady. And right away I knew. I knew our baby was gone.
There was no baby, just an empty sac. So this is where I am now, grieving, trying to understand and waiting for a physical miscarriage to take place.
I know God has a plan, and a purpose but that doesn’t mean it’s easy walking though it.
Here are 2 verses that give me a little peace about this:
James 1:2-3
Psalm 46:1
I don’t know God’s plan or why this happened, I just have to trust Him! One day I WILL be able to look back on this and see the amazing plan God had all along. His ways are not our ways! And HIS plans are always GOOD!
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers during this time!
I share more about this in a youtube video I shared here.
-Rachel
(images via google)
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To begin this story I guess I’ll have to take you back to the Spring of 2015. (if you want to skip all of the pre-story, scroll down to where it says Coby’s Birth Story)
We were busy with life, work, kids’ school, a 1 year old running around and our “husband and wife” time had been lacking. So I was trying to be more intentional to make time for that! 
We weren’t sure about having any more kids but I certainly had caught the baby bug. I just count imagine that we were “done.”
Well, on the eve of my 33rd birthday after dealing with on and off spotting for a few days and Aunt Flow being late, I took a test. I had had negative tests before so I waited in anticipation for those 2 long minutes, since I really wanted to be pregnant… PREGNANT… the digital test flashed.
My heart pounded and I was flooded with all kinds of emotions; fear of loss, excitement of another baby, dreadfulness of morning sickness and wonder. My husband had went out of town that afternoon for a seminar and I wondered what he would think. Would it be excitement, would it be joy, would it be fear?
I texted him a picture of London holding the pregnancy test. No answer. So I called him. No answer. He texted me he was in the airport eating dinner. Later we chatted and he was in disbelief, he thought I was joking or pranking him. He even thought that for a few days or even a week or so until I told him I scheduled an appoint with the OB to make sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy since I have had one before.
I slightly remember his face, like a… you weren’t kidding face.
We went to that appointment and the little baby showed up on the ultrasound, too early to detect a heartbeat but there. Another miracle baby.
If you’ve ever experienced a pregnancy loss, you know that just because you see the baby on the screen, that Satan sneaks in any second he can to cloud your joy with fear. I had to constantly defeat that fear with London’s pregnancy and seems as if I was doing the same thing with this pregnancy.
The doctor scheduled me for a follow up a couple weeks later before I was dismissed to the care of my midwife. Although we would rather avoid ultrasounds, another one was done to confirm the baby’s growth and heartbeat.
The morning sickness had already settled in by that point. It was all I could do to finish up those last few weeks of toting my kids to co-op and work on school on home days. But thank goodness it was (mostly) summer time during all of that. Most of the summer was spent on the couch, sleeping the sickness off and praying the kids were safe. A lot more TV was on and somehow the 1 year old survived too. Good thing she has an awesome big brother and sister.
Although it seemed like forever in the moment, the summer passed and before long, I was feeling better.
We took a wonderful, much needed, trip to the beach and then the Fall semester flew by and BEFORE LONG, it was Christmas break. And this is where the true beginning of baby #4’s birth story begins.
Coby’s Birth Story:
Christmas had came and went and my hope for an early baby (meaning earlier than 40 weeks pregnant) was gone. Little did I know that just 10 days later, 1 day shy of my due date, I would deliver a healthy baby.
My parents and sister and her family had been visiting. My sister and her family left on New Year’s Eve to head back home while the rest of us just hung out. I was really worn out by this time and didn’t feel like doing much of anything. All the holidays during that busy season, all while my belly was growing and caring for our other 3 children, took a toll on me.
The Saturday before Coby was born I had felt a little off and was hoping that just maybe it would be the day. My husband and I went to a wedding that night but nothing happened. (before we left for the wedding selfie above) The next day was Sunday, we streamed church on TV and there were no signs of a baby coming. I thought, I guess the baby will be coming late like all the others.
I was so ready, I even shared this picture on instagram after taking a nice bath.
I went to bed that night around 11:30pm which was pretty early (for me)since I had been going to bed around 12:30-1am.
I woke up at a 10am… YES, I got to sleep! I may have woke up a little before but just laid in bed checking email and fb scrolling. When I got out of bed I definitely felt off, but just like the days before it turned out to be nothing. So I put clothes on, brushed my teeth, started a load of laundry, made my bed and sat on the rocking chair my mom had just re-covered days before. I felt contractions but wasn’t sure if they were intense baron hicks or what.
I went downstairs where everyone was. It’s nice to have Mamaw in town to get up with the kids, especially London!! I mentioned to my mom that I was feeling off and was going to eat some cereal. Which by the way, I never eat cereal but I guess my body knew I would need some carbs.
Mom asked about going to Costco since we were going to go Sunday but didn’t end up going. So I ate by cereal, continued to feel contractions once in a while, and told my mom if we were going we needed to go “now.”
I figured that if these were real contractions they wouldn’t go away, even if we went to the store. I didn’t even wear a jacket as we walked to the car even though it was lightly, sprinkling snow. We went into Costco and got the items we needed. A couple different times I actually had to lean against the cart when I had contractions. I knew this was it just not sure when it was all going to happen. We walked to the car and I walked straight to the passenger seat while mom loaded the van. I texted Jake and my midwife around 11am.
We got home, mom unloaded car while I went upstairs to lay down on the bed. A while after mom came up to check on me and ask if I wanted a snack. She got me one and I ate only a couple bite. The contractions were consistent but not getting any closer.
I was beginning to doubt myself, that I really could handle this pain. I was having unrealistic thoughts like what if this lasts all day and night. And I couldn’t bear the thought if that.
Jake called and said he would be home later and was taking the 2nd shift off from work. Sometime a while later he came home. All I had been doing was laying there and noting my contractions. I voiced my doubtfulness to him. Not sure what he said but probably something along the lines of whatever, you can do it. Then he went back downstairs.
I *think* I like laboring by myself and no one else in the room. (Not the actual time when it’s getting close but the time before). I finally texted him around 2:30 along with the midwife. Again, for this birth, just like with London’s 22 month earlier, we had decided we did not want the kids to be home during the birth. And my Dad actually was scared of the idea of being home, even if he wasn’t in the room. I am not sure what he thought might be going on but he was hoping to already be back home in Arizona by the time the baby came. Obviously that didn’t happen.
Here are the text conversations from that day:
Blue and gray is my husband and I, green and gray is my midwife Lisa and I.
Mom and kids all came and said goodbye and left, Jake began to get things prepped. I decided to go to the bathroom and was in such a painful state when I wiped I said “there’s blood” with an gasping voice. Then I got on all fours and waited for him to get the pool ready.
I walked to the pool and sat down and said this is helping. I had watched home birth videos and in almost all of them, the mother looks so peaceful so that’s what I was imagining for myself.
Unfortunately I was not feeling like what I saw on the videos. That relaxing, “this is helping” quickly faded and there was no relief, lying on my back just wasn’t doing it for me, even on the pool, so I had to get on my knees and lean forward.
At this point I was still thinking this is never going to end!!
Part two… coming soon!
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Written by Kristen @ Smithspirations, Contributing Writer
Like many moms, I don’t think I’ll ever forget my first pregnancy. My husband and I were young and utterly unprepared for what laid ahead of us! I was finishing up college, he was in his first year teaching, and neither of us gave much thought to preparing for birth.
I decided at some point that I wanted us to go to the childbirth classes held at our local hospital, and my hubby dutifully came along. We listened to the instructor talk about the birth process, potential complications, and likely interventions while wrapping things up with various breathing techniques.
After the class ended, I didn’t feel ready for birth, but at least I felt like I did something to try to prepare for the natural birth I thought I wanted. My husband was far less impressed.
It wasn’t until after my induced & medicated birth that I realized how incredibly unprepared I really was for the birth process, despite my faithful attendance and attention at the hospital class. I realized too late that I needed to do much more to educate myself about the process if I wanted to have a positive birth experience.
When we were expecting the second time, I knew I wanted something different. I didn’t want to be hooked up to all sorts of machines and have an internal fetal monitor inserted into my baby’s scalp unless there was a serious reason for it. I needed to figure out what it took to have an unmedicated birth, and I went to reading! What a difference that made!
Why Educate Yourself For Birth?
All too often, we are prone to simply take one healthcare provider’s recommendations without asking questions. We tend to forfeit our patient rights and responsibilities and simply go with procedure and protocol when we aren’t armed with information.
When we invest the time into educating ourselves about God’s awesome and amazing design for birth, we can trust our bodies to do what they need to do in order to bring forth a new life. Rather than think about pregnancy as a risky condition and our bodies as dysfunctional, we can have confidence in the birthing process.
Sometimes things go differently during birth than we thought they would. Medical intervention is at times crucial to a positive outcome for mom and baby. When we are educated ahead of time, we can ask questions, weigh the risks, and make a more informed choice on suggested procedures.
What To Consider When Educating Yourself
There are so many questions to consider when you are expecting a new baby! This list is by no means exhaustive, but rather a springboard.
For Pregnancy:
- What is an ideal diet for pregnancy?
- What exercises help with common pregnancy complaints?
- What can be done to prepare your body for labor?
- What supplements are most helpful during pregnancy?
For Birth:
- What birth place options are available to you? Home? Birth center? Hospital?
- What pain management options are there? Medication? Water? Music? What risks do they carry?
- What are the benefits and risks of eating and drinking during labor?
- What positions and movements help or hinder labor?
For After Delivery
- What are the risks and benefits of typical newborn procedures, like eye ointment, Vitamin K shots, and Hepatitis B vaccines?
- What are the risks and benefits of circumcision (for boys)?
- What can be done to best facilitate breastfeeding in the early moments after birth?
- What pain relief options are best for afterpains after delivery?
How to Educate Yourself
There are many options when it comes to becoming more informed with pregnancy and birth. Some options will provide more reliable and up to date information than others.
- Online resources can be a great place to start, but be cautious about getting all of your information from the web.
- Books were a great help to me when I started to educate myself. I read books by well-respected and experienced figures in the natural birth world (like Dr. Bradley and Ina May Gaskin) and gained confidence because of it.
- Childbirth classes can be a great experience, too! Though my first class experience was far from beneficial, I later attended one held by my home birth midwife and greatly benefited. Ask the instructor about the class outline to know if it will be a good fit. Local doulas and breastfeeding support groups may also have suggestions.
Did you feel well-educated when you went through labor and delivery? Was there something you read, watched, or attended that helped you feel informed?
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Guest Post by Shannon of Growing Slower
Most midwives are happy to have you interview them before committing to choosing their practice. Some even require an initial consultation before you schedule your first prenatal appointment. An interview is not quite as standard practice for obstetricians, but don’t be afraid to ask lots of questions at your first prenatal and change practices if necessary.
This is your chance to ask questions to reveal whether a care provider has the experience and values to help you have your ideal birth experience. It’s so important to be relaxed and comfortable in your with the people who are surrounding you during labor!
Here are the Top 3 Questions:
#1 What is your philosophy on birth and your role in it?
Your care provider should be as passionate as you are about helping your birth be as close to your birth plan as possible. If you want a natural birth, you’ll probably be looking for a care provider who sees their role as more of an active observer and supporter rather than one of a manager.
#2 What is your rate of c-sections?
#3 What is your standard postpartum and newborn care procedure?
Your birth experience doesn’t end at the moment of birth. I’m sure you’ll be very interested to know what a potential midwife or OB’s views are on postpartum and newborn care.You might be looking for specific information about cord clamping, skin-to-skin contact, establishment of breastfeeding, bathing, vitamin K, eye ointment, and vaccinations.
All these questions work together to tell you what it is you really want to know: “What are my chances of having the birth experience I want with this care provider?”With my work as a birth advocate, writing an entire book about natural birth, and having two pregnancies and home births of my own, I can confidently tell you that unforeseen circumstances probably will arise during your pregnancy or birth.
It’s great to have the peace of mind that when they do, you will know exactly what to expect from your care provider.
What other questions would you have for a midwife or OB?
Shannon Brown writes about pregnancy, parenting, and simple living at GrowingSlower. She is author of Natural Birth Stories: A Real Mom’s Guide to an Empowering Natural Birth. She and her wonderful husband of five years live in Spokane, WA. They are parents to an energetic little boy and a peaceful baby girl.
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