I am having a miscarriage.

I had a miscarriage.

Or maybe I should say, I am having a miscarriage.

Something I definitely thought I’d never say again. 

We thought we were done having kids. I was content. He was content. Our little family with 4 beautiful children.

Going through ups and downs as parents, failures, successes to thinking we’ve got it a little figured out to downright low again. And then do it all over again.

But we were content. Then one day, I felt off and my period was late, and I knew. So I grabbed a pregnancy text and waited, and yep, I was pregnant.

Suddenly, ALL the excitement and fear was all tangled up together at the same time.

From the moment I saw the positive test, my heart grew in love. I began thinking, planning, preparing. I had a feeling it was a girl. Later that week, I told my husband.

And even purchased an ornament about our surprise baby to give him. 

I began having pregnancy symptoms over the next couple of weeks. Morning sickness and all. I thought this is going to be ok.

We’re going to have another baby! Baby #5! I was over the moon excited. 

At 6 weeks, I went into an appointment to check on the baby. I saw a baby, heartbeating and all! Two weeks later, I went into my 8 appointment. My pregnancy symptoms had been wacky, there and then not, but I was hoping it was just different with baby #5. The appointment we’d check on the baby and be released into the care of my midwife. 

So I laid on the table with the ultrasound tech. Sweet as can be lady. And right away I knew. I knew our baby was gone.

There was no baby, just an empty sac. So this is where I am now, grieving, trying to understand and waiting for a physical miscarriage to take place. 

I know God has a plan, and a purpose but that doesn’t mean it’s easy walking though it.

Here are 2 verses that give me a little peace about this: 

I don’t know God’s plan or why this happened, I just have to trust Him! One day I WILL be able to look back on this and see the amazing plan God had all along. His ways are not our ways! And HIS plans are always GOOD! 

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers during this time! 

I share more about this in a youtube video I shared here. 

-Rachel

(images via google)