Trusting God, Checking the Mail and reminders of God's goodness

No one ever plans to get pregnant and then have a miscarriage. No one ever plans to try and have a baby only to walk a path of infertility or secondary infertility. And even if it was an unplanned pregnancy, (most people… I don’t want to say all because I know there are people who choose to end life, maybe because the feel it’s the only option) but for the God loving women they don’t plan to lose a baby.

We were happy and content with our family size… then found out about an unplanned pregnancy. My heart immediately fell in love. I would put my hand on my belly and just think, there’s a miracle that only God could make in there. I made all kinds of plans, emotions and thoughts of how it would be like, another blessing to love.

Then sometimes, something goes wrong. You sit in the bathroom and know it’s over because something is there that shouldn’t. You cry out to God, why? Or you go in for a routine ultrasound, like I did, and the baby’s heartbeat has stopped. in the moment you feel overwhelmed with extreme sadness, anger, and you silently scream out to God, why?

No matter how many weeks you were or how many children you already have, losing a pregnancy is heart wrenching. The raw pain of grief is real. I know it was and still is for me as I’m working my way through this.

I didn’t understand why that was happening. I am still asking why. And maybe I will always be.

My prayer for you if you’re walking though a trial of your own, or you have lost a baby… and for ME as I walk this road, is that we can surrender to the Lord. I know there can be freedom and joy when we surrender to His will. I know this from past times God has been faithful in trials in my life. To give him my burdens and let Him carry them. That’s doesn’t mean just let go of my dreams, it means letting Him hold them.

We often have an illusion of control or that we know what is best, when in fact, only He knows what is best. But what does it mean to TRUST God? I am coming to find that it means to trust Him when things don’t make sense. For me, losing this baby, it doesn’t make sense, even still. Trusting Him, means that I am willing to trust the Lord so deeply, even when it doesn’t make sense to me, that even when He takes away (or things don’t happen the way you thought they would, whatever you’re walking through) and things are so ungraspable, to holdfast to my faith, because I know He is good in all things.

Trusting Him because He is good doesn’t mean it is easy and it certainly doesn’t take the pain away. Just yesterday, I went out and checked the mail. You know those full sized formula samples you get in the mail, not that I would have used it anyhow, but that triggered me… I would have been 35 weeks this week. And all those emotions flooded me once again. We aren’t promised an easy life and that we will never walk through trials. But we are promised that He will work everything out. Everything. If we love Him, He will work out our heartache, our contention, our marriages. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^a] have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

So through this heartache I am learning to trust God. I have times it’s easy and times it’s hard. And I question a lot, will we have another baby, I don’t know. But it is ALWAYS a breath of fresh air to get reminders from God. Just this morning I woke up to my bible app. I don’t always click on the verse but today I did. The word of God speaks to us… it said …. “He himself will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” Even though at times I feel I am in a season of losing, no matter what we face, He is the ONE who is able to heal, restore and bring joy. He has done it before in my life, HE WILL AGAIN.