Pounding of my heart.
I waited, waited, waited to see 2 pink lines, and as short as the long wait was, they were there.
Two lines that represented my heart’s longing, to be a mother to baby once again. My heart overfilled with joy at the sight.
My two now, growing up but not too grown up, past the baby and toddler years. Now into puzzles, learning to spell b-a-t, and oh the argumentative bliss of a 5 year old boy and 3 year old girl. Excited. Excited to see them as a big brother and sister to another sweet baby.
Then it came, the crimson color we fret to see after we’ve seen those 2 pink lines. Worry. Doubt. Fear filled my heart, but I clung, clung to the hope, for what if God could save my heart from this ache that I had experienced months earlier.
But, God did not, He did not save me from this ache of loss. Why, oh God? … I screamed in my heart. My dream crushed, for what was the purpose, I clung to that defeat for months.
There is no right or wrong answer. I know I was focusing more on that dream than God’s will. God’s will becomes clear when we unravel our tight grip onto our dreams and lay them at His feet.
“Seven years ago my dream died and I discovered once all the noise faded away what I had been missing all along,” he said. “The impact that God has planned for us does not occur when we are pursuing impact. It occurs when we are pursuing God.” -Veggie Tales Creator Phil Vischer
I know what loss feels like, especially during the holidays. It just doesn’t seem fair does it? The ones who have lost precious babies, or even sweet innocent children like this past week in Connecticut due to a horrific tragedy. The ones who’s husband’s have decided to leave. Maybe you didn’t get that promotion or you went all out and failed. Whatever it is, it’s hard when dreams are shattered.
What do we do when our dreams are shattered?
I’m no expert but these things helped me:
No amount of time in prayer is ever enough. Being in prayer about my hurts and burdens was how I got through this. I often prayed a prayer called the worriers prayer. Goes something like this:
Time to Reflect
Reflecting on experiences is how we grow. Still to this day, even though it’s been months (and even a year) I am reflecting on how God has used these circumstances for His glory, my deepened growth with my relationship with Him and to help others. “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8
I’m not to Blame
Nothing you did caused your dreams to shatter, God wasn’t mad at you nor did he want to punish you. Sometimes things happen. God is full of grace, mercy and love. “Nothing can separate us from his love.” Romans 8:39
Learning to Trust again
This is hard but a must. You see, we never had control in the first place. He is always in control but sometimes we think we are in the diver’s seat of life. Laying hurts down at His feet, letting Him lift the burden and aligning yourself in His will is how to learn to trust again. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not trust in your own understanding. Agree with Him in all your ways, and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6