Loss and Hope

I wanted this post to be a pregnancy announcement  since I would have been 12 weeks, I would have thought I made it to the “safe” stage. There are some hard things, other than the expected I have been facing. I do want to take a snapshot of how I’m feeling that somehow I can see in the future  that God was (and I know He is), that His hands were in all of this. I want to capture my feeling and to let others going through this that they are not alone, the Lord is with you.

These are some hard things about losing a baby I am feeling/going through:

• I have had to delete the iphone apps about the baby’s growth
• As much as you WANT and need friends and families hugs and comfort, it’s hard to hold back the tears when they’re comforting you face to face (don’t stop though!)
• The “how are you doing?” questions… for me I am physically doing fine, no pain but I am just doing ok… so vague
• Thinking about when the baby would have been born, for me with 2 losses, this August and December
• I’m no longer needing the maternity clothes I have been thinking about wearing
• I’m closing the dream (for now anyhow) of having a homebirth in my bedroom this year
• I’m no longer needing to get out the newborn clothes that are packed up that I was excited about getting out
• Seeing the movie ads on TV, when I had previously been thinking, oh I’ll be ____ far along, but no longer will be that far along
• Crying about declining a glass of wine because “I am not supposed to be able to have that now”
• Feeling guilty for thinking about being able to do things like whitewater rafting, working out or even going on rides at a theme park… now that there aren’t risks anymore

I wrote this to a couple of blog friends and wanted to share some of their sweet replies.

“I Never experienced any cramping (yet anyways except mild cramping for about 15 minutes in early morning the other day when I was half asleep which felt like gas cramps) I am still very sad but feeling much better emotionally somewhat, have ups and downs even as I write this, like I can laugh and it’s ok but writing that makes me want to cry, dunno why. I shook my head a couple times earlier today… was thinking about that what could have been baby and would shake my head, I guess somewhat is sadness, being mad, thinking oh well not happening, etc…. in the midst of it all, I DO believe God has something great for me and to come “out of this” but still hard to understand the WHY… the why I will never get. Today was my first day back to work and many patients hugged me, told me they were praying, etc, at times made me what to cry. (my husband who was alone at office all last week made announcements letting them know what was up… just like kids can sense something wrong so can they, btw, we never told our kids just in case) I so badly want to hold another baby in my arms, experience a homebirth, grow our family and don’t understand why this is happening, why others who abort perfect babies, why women on drugs and alcohol get to have babies, people who hurt their babies, etc… why did I have to lose a baby… again….. Sorry crying now.”

“We had dinner with some friends over this past week who have been trying to get pregnant for years. Over that time, they have actually become pregnant twice, but both pregnancies ended in miscarriage. They know about my miscarriages too, and we talked about it a lot. It doesn’t matter if you have kids, don’t have kids, want more, or aren’t planning more, a miscarriage is always a terrible thing to go through. And it doesn’t make sense at all why those who don’t (or won’t) take care of their babies are able to have them, and others like us and my other friends seem to get our babies that are wanted so badly taken from us. To be honest it just doesn’t seem fair. But, even though it is so hard to believe sometimes and we may never know the why, I know that God is in control and that He has a plan. I know that you believe that too, Rachel.  That certainly doesn’t take away the pain though. I’m sending constant prayers your way for peace and comfort that only God can give.” -Mindy

“I have the same questions, Rachel. It’s certainly very difficult to watch and experience. I’ve never miscarried. Samuel is my only pregnancy, so I can only imagine what it must truly feel like. :-/ But we know the truths of God’s Word and His Word is trustworthy. I have friends who are getting pregnant left and right and in no way am I bitter at them … but I do wonder why not me? Sometimes. It’s natural, normal, and all part of being human. There’s comfort in that. 🙂 Lean into Him sweet one. Lean into Him.” – Leigh Ann

“Big hugs for you today! I don’t have any answers for your questions, but I know God loves you and cares deeply for you and has a plan even for this. Praying for you today!” -Anne

 “Praying for you daily, Rachel! I know the Lord will use this (and He already has), but I wish with all my heart you didn’t have to go through it! -Erin

  “I am praying for you too…I wish we could understand the big picture…but think it would be too much for us to handle!” -Nikki

 Sometimes you don’t know what to say or do to someone hurting from losing a baby, I certainly didn’t know before going through this.

Here are 5 things to comfort someone going through a pregnancy loss:

1. Let her know you are thinking about her in some way, a more subtle way is to write a hand written note or send flowers but any reaching out will be fine
2. Make her a dinner, I had a couple friends do this and it was so very nice
3. Pray with her not just for her, so much power in that!
4. Sit with her, talk about whatever she wants to, be a shoulder to cry on
5. If you don’t know what to say or do read this, it will help you with what to say and to avoid what NOT to say!

Related posts:

Seeing the Death of Jesus Through the Loss of a Child How to Find Heart Strength When Pain Sears Deep Celebrating Thankfulness with an Ebenezer Journal A Divine Calling {Motherhood}